A boiled egg is hard to beat.   --Martha Steward
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Daffynitions:
FABLE : A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
HARP:  A nude piano
REINTARNATION:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
A DUEL:  Music sung by two people at the same time
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.                                              --Steven Wright
I was walking down the street the other day and these construction
workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told
me I was a paranoid lunatic...in morse code.      -- Emo Phillips
The state trooper pulled Denny Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the teenthat he was going to have to spend the night in jail.  
"What's the charge? Denny demanded. 
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
A redneck graduated. The entire family turned out. After the dean finished awarding all the diploma's, he requested, "Will all the 'cum laudes' please stand up?"
The redneck’s mother leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"
Sign on a road: 'MEN SHOULD BE WORKING.'  
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees
And remember: Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
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